Postponing NEON and mental health decline

Input this out on Twitter a while ago, but I thought I should write this up here where I can elaborate a bit more.

I knew (not officially, but in my gut and it was the only logical option) that NEON 2020 was going to be postponed due to COVID-19. But the fact we never announced it kept a glimmer of hope alive that maybe we could be smart as a country and do what we needed to contain this.   Yes, I was definitely asking for too much.

But that hope was a big part of why I started doing the live stream each week. We had lost our nights at FreePlay, and I wanted to keep the hype up. It felt good to connect with people again, and play music. It was one of the highlights of my week, and I'd even force myself to do it if I was feeling down, because I'd feel better by the time I was done.

Then it became official. Not just Grant and I talking about waiting for the Governor and the Hotel to tell us we couldn't, it was real. And it hit me like a train. As most of you know, I already struggle with depression.

That couples with some other issues I was dealing with in my life, made it hard for me to get off the couch and do little more than the minimum needed for my job on any day. Even my daily walks took a hit, getting shorter and walking laps around the neighborhood rather than big loops away from the house. I couldn't deal with being far from my home at all.

I'm still struggling a lot. I have an inbox full of notifications from Bandcamp about new music, all from artists that I love. But I don't have the energy to go through all of it. So they just sit there, unread so I remember to go back later when I can. I have some vinyl I ordered a while ago on the way. Maybe that will get me to finally refurbish the entertainment center I bought years ago with my more modern turntable and start enjoying music again. Maybe not.

I know this community is supportive, and that you all give me the feedback to take care of myself. And I appreciate that, I truly do. And I am trying. But I'm also sorry that I started something that I'm struggling to continue, just as people were starting to enjoy it.